• The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is attempting to throw another prophylactic over the al­ready shrink-wrapped big-swinging mortgage industry (yes, that was a dick joke).  New regulations will provide stricter rules on loans with teaser rates, negative amortization, and a world of other fea­tures that basically no one does anymore.  They will also be offering a legal “safe harbor” that will bar any consumer lawsuits against the banks writing these loans so long as they are compliant.

    You hear that?  If we play by Uncle Sam’s new rules you can’t sue us.  It’ll be like mooning the lions at the zoo.  They want to maul us but the bullet-proof 6-inch-thick plexiglass says otherwise.  And those dumb, furry cats thought they were at the top of the food chain.  Invent an iPhone and we’ll talk, Puddy-Tats.

    For nine straight months, home prices have been moving up.  And the moves appear to be getting big­ger and bigger.  Am I shocked?  Nope.  Considering home values have been a drag on the economy for quite some time now, it’s about time my industry started adding to GDP.  Stocks have enjoyed a siz­able rally since their lows.  Global economic health has stabilized and, to this author’s knowledge, no one is trying to nuke anyone else at this time.  It’s about damn time that people started realizing the greatest investment on earth is earth itself.

    Pretty awesome line?  You betcha.  And I totally stole it from someone more eloquent than me.

    Bank of America (which is the establishment that I am quite sure will serve as the breeding ground for the Anti-Christ) has embraced an 11.6 billion dollar settlement in penance for the misdeeds of the for­mer Countrywide.  Evidently arbitrarily deciding African-Americans and Hispanics should pay higher rates than everyone else is for some reason frowned upon.  Go figure.

    Yes.  Massive sarcasm is implied.  Racism is stupid.  If you legitimately subscribe to that kind of mindset, please promptly unsubscribe and go start playing banjos in the bayou.  Hopefully a crocodile eventually has his way with you.

    Beyonce lip-synched the national anthem for Barack Obama’s re-inauguration.  Clearly when we want to honor this president, a regurgitation of past performances is sufficient.

    “Yo Obama, Imma let you finish, but Reagan was the best president evah”- Kanye West totally said this and I am not making this up for the sake of a joke in the slightest, pinky swear times five.

    It’s funny because conservatives want to support Reagan but simultaneously hate Kanye.  Enjoy the catch 22, right wing.

    That being said, WOO-HOO!!! the guy who “took out Osama Bin Laden and passed sweeping health care reform and snatched our economy out of a nosedive and has the middle name ”Hussein” and has­n’t suicide bombed anyone” is back for another four years!  I didn’t need my gun anyway!  Yay for our country slipping into a totalitarian regime where Uncle Sam not only knows best, he also is the only guy with the ammunition to justify his stance amidst opposition!

    By which I mean the zombie apocalypse is coming in the form of democratic regulations and you are totally justified in digging bomb-shelters in your backyards despite the obvious fact that most of Flor­ida has a super-high water table and it’s likely that you’ll drown while awaiting imaginary liberal-government-induced Armageddon.

    That was all one sentence.

    The current super-duper low rate environment is beginning to show signs of cracking.  Every time our federal reserve comes out with a statement that doesn’t support continued ingestion of peyote (OR zero-percent interest rates coupled with massive bond-buying programs… basically the same stuff) then mortgage rates whip-tail higher.

    Lemme level with you: what’s happening now is not maintainable.  It’s only a matter of time before laissez-faire economics kick in (if you don’t know what it is, look it up) and our interest rate environ­ment reverts back to the rates necessary to draw investor attention.  Which are way higher than we have now.

    So, please don’t come to me in two years bitching and moaning about how you missed the boat.  I told you.  I FRIGGIN’ TOLD YOU.  I don’t make this stuff up.  We are living in an artificial environment right now.  And if you have the wherewithal and the capital to seize the opportunity,  then mazeltov.  If not, then I hope your landlord is a nice person.

    Because not all of them are.

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